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America is hooked on crime scene investigator shows, with high-heeled women in white suits picking up clues on the murder. They never seem to pick up blood stains or contaminate the scene with their long, flowing hair.

Jeff Klima had a white suit, his biohazard “bunny” suit, to protect him from diseases when he cleaned crime scenes. His gory memoirs make a memorable read in “The Dead Janitors Club: Pathetically True Tales of a Crime Scene Cleanup King.”

Klima’s past as an Orange County, Calif. cleaner tell a tale of unethical practices, debauchery and scatological horror. Klima admits it was wrong to dispose of all those bloody chairs, clothes and carpet in the landfill, but he’s sorry now. Somehow, readers are drawn into this “fat guy” and his bodily fluid drama. He jumped the shark several times with tales looting, cleaning horror houses filled with soda bottles of urine and sleeping in a “murder bed” he acquired after a clean up. But I couldn’t put this book down. He’s worked with the stench of a mass suicide, scooped “drunk vomit” out of police cars and had a contract with a motel for the frequent life check outs.

Disclaimer: I’m sure that not all cleaning operations are like this one.

The author, raised Mormon, seems like he’s basically a good guy. That’s probably why he shares seven important clean up tips:

•     Vomit — With the many kinds of consistencies vomit can be, it’s best to use a cup to scrape up  chunks. That way, you don’t rub it in.

•     Blood Stains —  Bloody nose or a dead body, Klima says these stains are the worst and are harder to get out if it  dries. Best way to get it clean… cold water.

•     To Throw Away or Not To Throw Away — Here’s  the rule of thumb: if you can press two fingers into the stain and the fluid comes gushing out, don’t bother. Just throw it out.

•     Getting rid of that smell —  leave a bowl  of vinegar or coffee in the center of the room to absorb the smell.

•     Urine in the couch — Soak the couch with an enzyme type cleaning fluid over night. Put a plastic bag over it to make sure it stays wet.

•     Stuck on stucco — Have a stucco wall with  remnants of a mess on it? Use old nylon instead of a sponge to remove even the tiny bits.

•     Messes on the ceiling — a combination  of cold water and baking soda can get almost anything that spatters off  your ceiling, just make sure you wear goggles. Klima knows this first hand  after having a human brain squirted in his eye.

ddoiron@panews.com