“G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra”

Paramount Pictures

Directed by Stephen Sommers

Starring Channing Tatum, Marlon Wayans, Sienna Miller, Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Rachel Nichols, Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje, Christopher Eccleston, Byung-hun Lee, Ray Park, Jonathan Pryce and Dennis Quaid

Rated PG-13



2 Stars



I must say that I was a bit disappointed by “G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra.” At no point in the movie did one of the Joes kidnap Barbie and rip off her head while my sister screams in the background.

Sorry, I seem to have regressed there for a moment.

My childhood fantasies dashed, I will also say that I was disappointed by Hasbro Toys’ new commercial masquerading as a movie, but not to the extent that I’d expected when I learned that there wouldn’t be any screenings held for critics. That’s usually a sure sign that the studio knows it has a bomb on its hands. This time out, it’s only a smelly firecracker.

Channing Tatum and Marlon Wayans star as Duke and Ripcord, two soldiers who are ambushed while transporting a deadly weapon. It seems a megalomaniacal Scottish industrialist (Christopher Eccleston) has world domination on his mind, and he’s enlisted a group of high-tech mercenaries to help him on his quest for world domination. Fortunately, there’s a corresponding group of good mercenaries ready and willing to thwart our villain’s evil schemes.

Duke and Ripcord and inducted onto the G.I. Joe team, and as is the case in almost all summer movies, they quickly find themselves involved in one special effects-laden fight after another. They do have some nifty gadgets to help them along, including accelerator suits, which give the good guys technology-aided superhero powers. The suits alone are worth the price of admission, making the action sequences pretty dang cool (and making every ten year old boy start drooling over the upcoming toys).

The problem is that while most of the action scenes are serviceable, there are also these stunningly bland flashback sequences where we learn every character’s backstory. Normally I’m all in favor of mixing some actual acting into the mix of a summer blockbuster, but these scenes are just plain bad—the plastic action figures of my childhood showed more acting ability than most of the cast of “G.I. Joe.”

But little boys don’t beg their parents for “acting” figures; they want action figures with a cool assortment of weapons and vehicles that can be purchased separately. They want mayhem and loud explosions (really loud in this case) so I suppose that “G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra” is just giving them what they want. Hopefully the inevitable sequel will try to be more than just a mindless orgy of special effects and action.

Might I suggest they cast somebody as Barbie? She could be a bad girl, and perhaps she could end up stuck in the microwave oven…





Movie reviews by Sean, “The Movie Guy,” are published bi-weekly in “The Port Arthur News” and weekly on KFDM-TV. You can also follow Seanthemovie guy on Twitter. Sean welcomes your comments via email at smcbride@kbcitv.com.