For somebody who spent most of his adult life writing sports in the state of Texas, and still can’t give up a weekly golf column, it would be sacrilegious, maybe worse, to not pen something on the late, great Dan Jenkins before his Friday funeral.

It is not a reach to do so either, since Jenkins and golf are pretty much synonymous. My sympathy goes out to any golfer who never read “Dead Solid Perfect”, “The Dogged Victims of Inexorable Fate” or “Unplayable Lies”.

Those three books, of course, were just a small sampling of Jenkins’ irreverent, knee slapping literary classics that mostly dealt with sports and unforgettable characters. The all-timer, no doubt, was “Semi Tough”, the pro football epic celebrating one Billy Clyde Puckett.

Space does not allow a full-throated testimonial to Jenkins, but there is plenty of room to say I consider him either No. 1 or No. 1A on the list of the greatest, most readable sportswriters of all time. Right there with him would be the late Jim Murray of the Los Angeles Times.

Best way in this forum to say goodbye to the Fort Worth wordsmith, whose spontaneous humor was his calling card, is to dredge up some of his best and funniest lines. And that list starts with what he said he wanted on his tombstone.

“I knew this was going to happen,” were the words he suggested for his final resting place.

“Always keep in mind,” Jenkins once noted, “that if God didn’t want a man to have mulligans, golf balls wouldn’t come three to a sleeve.”

“The devoted golfer is an anguished soul,” Jenkins observed, “who has learned a lot about putting just as an avalanche victim has learned a lot about snow.”

On Tiger Woods, back in his heyday, Jenkins proclaimed, “Only two things can stop Tiger — an injury or a bad marriage.” Think about it.

Some years ago, Jenkins was told he would require quadruple bypass surgery. Turns out he needed only a triple, so Jenkins, when he came out of sedation, quickly proclaimed, “I birdied the bypass.”

To a son who brought home a girl he was not enamored with, Jenkins, according to his sportswriter daughter Sally, warned, “She’s a speed trap.”

On what it would be like to expose one’s game in a PGA Tour pro-am, Jenkins said, “I had always suspected that trying to play golf in the company of big time pros and a gallery would be something like walking naked into choir practice.”

Proving that he knew the mentality of a golfer, Jenkins wrote, “Golfers don’t fight. They cuss a bit. But they wouldn’t punch anything or anybody. They might hurt their hands and have to change their grip.”

Tom Watson, one of the more cerebral golfers of his day, may have summed up Jenkins’ unique skills better than anybody. He told Jenkins’ daughter, “Your dad made me laugh and think at the same time.”

The trait Watson identified is one many writers aspire to and only a select few achieve. Jenkins consistently did it, whether writing college football for Sports Illustrated, golf for Golf Digest or novels that sometimes morphed into movies.

Rest in peace, Dan, knowing there will never been another sports journalist in your league.

CHIP SHOTS

Harold “Peanut” Lawson and Ben Sherrod left everybody else in the dust in First Flight of the Nederland Heritage Festival 2-Person Scramble at Babe Zaharias. Lawson and Sherrod teamed up for a 59, finishing four shots clear of Hunter Huff and Andrew Sigur.

The duo of Craig Fontenot-Charles Cooksey teamed for a 66 to best Doug LeBlanc-Steve Wisenbaker by three strokes in Second Flight. Monte Barrow-Dusty Bergeron fashioned a 69 to win Third Flight by six shots over Johnny Arenas-Bryan Grant.

In Fourth Flight, the Shane Trahan-Jerry Thompson team needed a scorecard playoff to best David Hoelzer-Bobby Stringer, after both posted 73s …

The Monday Senior 50 Plus 2-ball at Zaharias saw the team of Russ Gloede, Cap Hollier, Gerald Huebel and Charlie Perez win the front with minus-3. On the back, there was a three-way tie at minus 2 between teams captained by Ronnie LaSalle, Gary Hanan and Bob West …

In the Super Saturday 2-ball at Zaharias, the team of Rick Pritchett, Earl Richard and Stewart Ellis won the front with plu-1. On the back, there was a tie at plus-1 between the foursome of Kenny Robbins, LaSalle, Kacee Begamon, and Ron Hicks and the team of Ed Holley, Cricket Owen, Charles Leard and Keith Marshall …

Anyone who would like to travel to San Antonio to watch PNG ex Andrew Landry try to defend his Valero Texas Open championship can obtain free tickets and parking passes by contacting Richard Gaona at 550-2316.

The tournament runs from April 4-7 at the TPC San Antonio. Gaona has passes for all four days and a limited number of parking passes …

Zaharias will be host to Demo Days for Callaway, Mizuno and PING in the next few weeks. Callaway will be first up with its equipment from 1 p.m. to 5 p.m. on Friday. Mizuno follows on Sunday from noon to 4 p.m. PING’s Demo Day is April 12 from noon to 4 p.m.

Trackman will be available on all of the Demo Days …

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Golf news should be emailed to rdwest@usa.net.